This is what happens when the monkeys in my head get tired of sitting at their typewriters, and start throwing poop at each other instead.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Skateboards... so 1994.
Today walking to the gym, I saw these two girls awkwardly skateboarding down the street. It seriously looked like a slight gust of wind would send these girls crashing into the street like a newspaper repository in the path of an angry Shuffles. I slowed down to witness what I believed to be the inevitable, but no dice.
Increasingly around campus I've seen a resurgence of skateboards as a means of transportation. It seems to me though, that skateboards are the least logical choice you could make (short of riding a horse or burro to class) in an urban environment. Or any environment for that matter, except the local library parking lot.
First of all, it seems that riding a skateboard to class requires only slightly less then pushing yourself along perched on the back of a shopping cart. And might I add that a shopping cart has more storage space, and you can lock a shopping cart to a rail or tree if need be. Not so with a skateboard.
Secondly, you're not even going that much faster. At a brisk jog, I can run faster than a skateboard (provided it is not going down a hill). So unless you need to strengthen one of your legs versus the other, I suggest running instead.
Finally, you're not in sixth grade anymore. Put away the Alf pogs, give the sweatpants to Goodwill, realize that you've been growing hair in odd places for some time now, and ditch the skateboard. You are no longer a pre-pubescent rebel looking to be one of the "crazy kids" that the crazy old guy yells at for doing Ollies in the Elks Lodge parking lot.
Totally out of the blue today, I was walking back from Quiznos and I'm greeted by a bunch of loud hicks on H Street holding pictures of dead babies. These weren't like, Catholic students or anything, these were bona fide hicks, definitely not from around here (maybe Virginia, I guess...). Honestly, they weren't really being that obnoxious, as protesters go. There was a guy standing on a down-turned milk crate, yelling about something or other, but aside from that it was just a lot of posters, a lot of dead babies, and a lot of flannel shirts.
None of them even approached me, but what I was so struck with and what irritated me so to the core about this whole operation was that there were little kids handing out literature. These people are throwing their single-digit age kids into a political fray about which they know absolutely nothing and can't even begin to understand. How heartless can you be, to deprive a child for even a MINUTE of their childhood to further YOUR political beliefs? These kids should be out playing kickball, building forts, riding bikes, and terrorizing each other -- not handing out palm cards on the streets of D.C. for a cause that is so far removed from their world as to be nearly irrelevant. Don't corrupt your kid's childhood just because you feel like crusading for some high-minded ideal. I secretly hope that all these kids turn out to be homosexual bleeding-heart liberals just to spite their stupid parents.
Not only that, but it's a weekday. You have to believe that wherever these people are from, their kids should be in school right now. So now, whatever parents are allowing their kids to be sucked into this whole thing are depriving them of education, the best investment a person can make in this world. I certainly don't want to belittle the global anti-child-labor movement, but this ideological exploitation of children is simply agregious. The fact that a person is willing to take their child out of school to make people feel guilty about supporting a woman's right to choose is indicative of a larger social problem. Working-class, Christian rightists care more about indoctrination and blanket ideologies than they do about anything else; they are willing to exploit their own children for political purposes, and not only that but to deprive their own children of the most important factor in quality of life (education). You just have to hope this isn't a trend in the child's life. You would hope that they at least get a semi-adequate education so that they can form their own opinions rather than listen to ideologues from Blumpkinville, USA.
While I'm discussing the topic generally, I'll weigh in only slightly on the abortion issue. In general, I support abortion. As I've said before, I support POST-birth abortion, up to an infinite number of trimesters. There are certainly some people that I know who need to be aborted. Ted Kennedy comes to mind. All flippance aside, though... my general reasoning is that knowing what I know now, and being a middle-class guy getting a halfway-decent education, is this: I would rather be aborted than live a shitty life in some slum someplace, and grow up to be a jizz moppa at the porno theatre. Some people argue that you never know who might grow up to be the next Einstein or Martin Luther King. I find this logic spurious. By that logic you kill just as many Hitlers and Stalins. So it's a moot point.
Most of all, though, it's no one's business, certainly not the government's, to decide how a couple wants to deal with pregnancy. It's even more alarming that people want the government to invoke some kind of moral imperative in creating anti-abortion legislation. Furthermore, get a job, and stop protesting on my campus. How many people's minds do you think you change? I'd venture a guess of zero. Most college students (especially at GW) already have a well-formed opinion on this (whether or not they can argue it, or hold it for the right reasons, is debatable, but the point remains). This is the essence about what bothers me about politics -- get off your moral high horse, stop going after these grandiose, often amorphous ideals, and HELP SOMEONE. Do something concrete for someone so that their life can be that much better. Don't just bitch and yell. And for the love of god, LET YOUR KIDS BE CHILDREN AND KEEP THEM THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR POLITICS.
So apparently the North Koreans have nuclear capabilities now. When this originally happened, I originally thought to myself "Man, here's a great opportunity for the rest of the world to step up and whomp ass in the name of all that is good and righteous."
Then, I read this article on BBC.com, where Russia and China not only reject any meaningful resolution in the U.N., but actually urge the world community not to "give way to emotions," and to avoid creating "extreme sanctions." Apparently they think they have the moral high ground on us, after they were the ones who carted off everything of value in East Germany, setting themselves up for a nice capitalist enema later on in the Cold War. And we've always known the Russians to have ice running through their veins anyways, right?
As soon as this supposed nuclear test went off, I thought to myself, all right, Kim Jong-il has finally done it: he's served up his own head on a silver platter. The test, scary as it is indeed, gave the world the perfect excuse to go in there and get the little prick, once and for all. Obviously, the U.S. is too overstretched and militarily retarded to do it, but man, wouldn't it be nice if South Korea, Russia, and China said to Kim, "All right, that's it -- you're a corpse..."
But no. Instead we get recommendations against any sanctions that Russia and China deem to be too "extreme." Are you kidding me? This asshole just proved that he has acheived what sanctions and diplomacy have sought to prevent him from doing for the past FIVE DECADES. The most devastating weapon known to man is now very likely in the hands of a regime that embodies the essence of terrorism. I'm not talking Axis of Evil or any of that bullshit here. Japan gets the idea. They cut off all trade to North Korea, and put a travel ban in place. But the Russians and Chinese want to maintain the status quo. So Kim can carry out more tests, and ultimately produce something deliverable.
What this ultimately leads me to question is this: what do Russia and China have to gain by supporting North Korea? It doesn't export anything. It's a command economy, so clearly it's no one's market. It doesn't have some special status among world nations like the contemptable Swiss. Why are they so concerned that we don't smack up North Korea? If they're against military action, that's one thing, but they are cautioning against overly extreme SANCTIONS? What do they have to lose? Something's fishy over there in the ex-communist camp. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't buy that Russia and China genuinely are concerned about not putting on "extreme" sanctions.
Lately I've taken to studying in the group study room at the library. Really, the decision to storm the nerd castle once again, and start going to the library again, resulted from the fact that I live in a basement room with another kid who has a similarly busy schedule and thus is not around too often. I really need to be around people, or else I get kind of depressed, or worse, sleepy.
Mostly it's sleepy. So I go to the group study room to a) be around people, b) not be shut into my basement room, and c) get shit done.
But there's always that one asshole who has the really piercing annoying voice. Maybe it's a frat boy, whose voice has been raspified by years of chain-smoking, binge drinking, and beef-curtain snuffing (you heard me). Maybe it's the Long Island boat-shoe wearing clown trying to slog his way thorough balancing chemical reactions. Maybe it's the dumbass legacy girl trying to sound halfway erudite talking about Plato or some other philosopher whose name she cannot pronounce.
There's always that one person whose voice rises above the pleasant din to make its way, clear as day, into your brain. To paraphrase a Lewis Black sketch... every so often you hear something so dumb that your brain decides "LET'S FIGURE IT OUT!!" and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom...
I had never heard of Medieval Times before, but I drove by it a couple of times and after having it explained to me, made an executive decision to get a group of my friends together to go there. Essentially, the idea is that each Medieval Times location is a castle-looking structure with a small stadium inside. They serve you food that you eat with your hands and watch a little show. According to their website, "with clockwork precision, legions of serving wenches and serfs deliver four courses to hungry guests in minutes." The show is comprised of horsemanship (spearing targets and such) and then a long storyline of fighting towards the end.
Really, the only reason not to go is that it costs like $50. It's also pretty far away, but the potential for absurdity far outweighed the costs in this case. After assembling a truly awesome group of participants, we set out this past Saturday for Arundel (sounds like grundle) Mills mall -- the closest Medieval Times location. Upon arrival, we are informed that we are table five (ah ah ah ah taaaable five, taaable five...). I also notice, upon arrival, that Meatsquads is wearing blue jean overalls over his hippo shirt. Apparently the people working there were cracking up over him every place he went. Our section is also cheering on the Blue Knight. We're psyched. We got our picture taken with the Princess from the show. Then we saw the Blue Knight.
The kid looks like a pre-pubescent Legolas, and about .001% as badass. He messed up on a bunch of the training exercises, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Indeed, I shouted "He's just hustling you!" at the other knights. Especially the showboating asshole Green Knight. I guess he was pretty cool in the end, as he won, but he was, in the end, owned. Either way, they did a lot of prancing around on horses, which made me quite impatient. "I WANNA SEE SOME CORPSES!" was the battle cry of my end of the table, er, I guess just me in this case.
The Black & White Knight was a total sally. I can't believe he got as far as he did in the tournament. He was all tiptoing around on his horse and shit. Total sally. And I let him know as such.
In the midst of all of this, we were given our food, which was actually pretty good. Except for the garlic bread, which I'm sure was brimming with ye olde trans fats. They gave us a half-a-chicken which was cooked well and tender. They also gave us A SPARE RIB. Just one. On the napkin/menu, it's listed with all of the other courses, so I was kind of perturbed when only ONE RIB found its way onto my plate. For the record though, the dude who served us was a great waiter. Big ups to Robert.
His manager was a douche though. All the stupid kids in front of us got flags, but when we (Max) went over to the empty seats next to us and took the clearly not-being-used flags, he comes over and demands to see our receipts. Then when we cannot procure said receipts, he angrily collects the flags from us and puts them back in the cups by the empty seats. We bitched about it to Robert, he agreed that the dude was an "asshole." I mean seriously, these flags were a smitch of ribbon tied to an overly long straw. Literally they could not have costed more than three cents on ye olde balance sheete. Anyways, that was kind of a buzzkill, but once the food arrived I kind of stopped caring.
Once we were more-or-less done with the food, the real Medieval Timery started. JOUSTING. SWORDFIGHTS. MACES. Of course, our knight got owned fairly early on in the fighting. And certainly not over lack of cheering. We had his back the whole way through, despite his girlish mane of hair. Our dude kicked the Black & White Knight in the nuts, which prompted both Tufsky and I to shoot up from our seats with fists raised and shouts of "FINISH HIM!! FINISH HIM!!"
In the meantime, there was the wager of the evening. I had promised Lyle that if he could get one of the serving wench's phone numbers, I would pay for his dinner (no small sum, again, it was $50 per person). Not only that, but he had to do so using exclusively old-timey English. I was sitting there watching one of the sallies prance around on horseback, when one of the relatively cute serving wenches comes up and says "I've heard the services of a wench are required?" I chuckled at the promiscuous sound of that, but sent her down to Lyle's end of the table, realizing what this meant. I was told Lyle was spitting a lot of "thou" and "court," but was in the end unable to get her number. He WAS, however, able to give her his number. Of course, that was not part of the bet, so no compensation was incurred.
Either way, the rest of the show was pretty much same-old, same-old, as medieval swordplay goes. Definitely a fan of the mace as a medieval weapon. Tufsky and Meatjobs made bets on two of the knights, and when Meats was cheering on his knight as he approached our end of the ring, the knight gave him a smile and a wink. I've been told that's the point when he knew he would lose the bet. And lose he did.
In the end, it was a great night, with rave reviews from most people. I kind of wish we were in a round table setting. Instead it was like a major lecture hall - long rows of seats looking into the ring. Despite this, it was a lot of fun and I would recommend everyone go at least once.
