Still alive...

I know I haven't posted in a while, but more posts will return soon. Just bear with me. I've been working on our highlight reel and starting my new job, so not a ton of time for opining...

Which way to the weight room…?

This summer I’ve gotten back into the weight room to try and correct my, shall we say, disproportionate musculature. In the process, I was reintroduced to all the reasons I can’t stand the gym and a lot of the regulars there.

First off, who wears nothing but a form-fitting Under Armour shirt to the gym? What possible purpose could this serve, aside from blatant narcissism? Not only that, but the whole point of Under Armour (at least the type I seen worn at the gym) is to wick moisture away from the body. I, for one, can say that I do not particularly like the thought of using a machine that someone wearing Under Armour has used. Sweat is an obvious byproduct of any physical activity, and I don’t want to lay down into a pool of it on the bench, thank you very much.

A whole lot of gym-goers, particularly the guys with ginormous upper bodies, wear pants to the gym. Why would you wear pants? Especially if you’re wearing an Under Armour shirt? If the idea is to stay cool, why wear Under Armour with pants? Oh, that’s right, the idea isn’t to stay cool - it’s to show off to everyone else how ripped you are. Why else go to the gym? In my eyes, the pants thing has another aspect of it - most guys that have ripped upper bodies have Callista Flockhart legs. Yesterday I even saw a guy with one of his pant legs rolled up (not both… one), the only reason for which, it appeared, was to show off some tattoo he had on his ankle. Maybe he’s part of a gym gang - HelWell’s Angels or something.

What really makes the gym an absurd hive of narcissism is the mirrors on the wall. Surely, this serves a purpose in that people can monitor their form as they work out. But inevitably, you see that one grossly overmuscled guy staring at his biceps as he does curls. My six-year-old godson could curl with near-perfect form after a thirty second explanation. There is no way you’re watching your form, you fucking bozo, so why not look around at all the girls you’re trying to impress instead of proving to everyone else how much of a narcissistic clown you are.

The final thing that irks me at the gym is the noise in general. First of all, the HelWel music is always the most ridiculous music you could possibly think of. For example, in my beginning swimming class (BEGINNING swimming), they had the OAR song “Love and Memory” (at least I think that’s what it’s called) playing. In case you don’t know the lyrics, here is the part worth noting: "Drowning deep inside your water / Drowning deep inside your sound / Love me faster than the devil / Run me straight into the ground / Drowning deep inside your water / Drown in love and memories." The word "drowning" is mentioned in four of the six lines of the chorus, and this is played at the pool around people just learning how to swim, some of whom actually are afraid of drowning. Pretty funny, but typical of the awful HelWel music.

The second part of this category is the grunting. People love to grunt like a warthog in heat for really no reason. While I was still playing football I did a lot of weight, especially squats and cleans and what have you. NEVER did I make any absurd grunting, and neither did most of my teammates. But inevitably, some grad student with the brains of a potted plant decides it’s important to make their presence felt by letting out a whole chorus of meatcalls over the course of their workout. Shut your word hole you rutabega! Have some discipline! And stop making the rest of us feel like we’re in a goddamn monkey house.

Blo9g lke a champion!

Yeah man, tonight's party sucked... for the FIRST FUCKING hour or so I think probably more. THen we foudn a clown spoon it's so fuckin big! WHo needs a spoon that big? Fucking clowns that'sa who. Man, I am slightly altered but I Want to blog like a champion like my ultimate idol Sean McComb (no s- McCombSSS is the guy who owns the Vikes AND Texas' business school is named after him weird...)

Wow, so Stolichnaya is like ehhhhhh middle class RUssian vodka, but I had some of that - it was vanilla I think that's fuckin gay. In addition to Jameson - my first experience with such things - which was not too pleaseing to my Slavicness. JEnee was there - wait I need more Eeees - Jeneeeeeeeeeeee was there but JAck wasn't because he was making furnature or something in some place that's not here. Probably for the better anyways. Either way Jeneeee fucking bit my arm - hard! SHe was trying to get my clown spoon but I was having none of that. Wait no she got it eventually! It's okay though because JEnee makes vanilla cakes with vanilla frosting - nos oul! What am I saying I like JEnee she's a peach. That clown aspoon man, it was totally huge and amazing. So clown-sized like standard-issue novelty pens and such.

GIgabyte was drucked and amazing, he was so afraid of that push broom man but I knew it was just a bunch of fcuking bristles and very susceptible to fire - see earlier posts about brooms grills fire hilarity etc. No fire this time though because I respect authority. That's a fucking lie if I ever heard one. It's funny because no one respects me anyways. THey all just want to see - oh what wil lHouse say next, he's such a fucking no talent gayass, he just doesn't realize that all of us mayke fun of him behind his back. Yeah. Pretty much. But fuck you guys, I know who makes fun of me and you were never my friends anyways. And I don't forget a betrayal, especially of trust. You'll know when I don't have your back. Those are sad things, though as jenee - fuck more e's - Jeneeeeeee would say.

I had a good time tonoight, despite the first two hours being asstastically boring. I think once gigayyte got hammered it was more fun for me. GB is a good friend, but not in the Dupont way. That's the best kind. Gigabits is hilarious because we talked about the MT. Vernon shuttle - more on this later. Also I hadn't taken a shot with my son yet - his anme is Shed and he's the fucking man. So good at life, excepting the whole smoking thing but whatever live and let live that's what I say. Much better than Premie, that ACL-less bo0zo. Who am I kidding both of them are awesome. Premie and I are making an aquarium out of a tv. That should freak people out theyu'll be all like what the fuyck that's a TV but there'S FUCKING FISH TINISIDE YOU BOZOS "O RLY?" they'll say cause there are som any nerds here "O RLY?" with a fuckin snowy owl like Noah B.

Wow I am second-drunkest ever in that I didn't pee on anyone's floor and I can remember everything that heppend. But fuckin SuperGrover i s sleeping with his what have you in my room so I am forced to blogg on Jack's fucking bozo Sorny comptuer. Yes I am drunk but I can still make SImpsons quotes! MAgnetbox? Sorny? Panaphonic? Yissssshhhh! That'sa whhat pete says instead of "yeesh" becuase he's a brit and is apparently poor? HWatever LIve and let live.

The Mt. Vernon shuttle is the shit when it's party tiime. YEah, boshansk I know what you think about the MT. vernon shuttle you goofy tard you. But seriously, GIgabyte could have driven the Mt. Vernon shuttle tnogiht, even though he was drucked. FUck, we almost put an ad on Craigslist asking for some fine bitches to help us run the Mt. Vernon shuttle. WE were totally in "Strictly platonic" though. Maybe a casual encounter or two. Seriously thos e pseonal ads are funnyt as shit. Oh look at me I'm a bozo and I want cock tonight - please send me pictuers of your charlie browns. Losers. Wait, Iw as talking about the Mty. Vernon shuttle. Jack used to live there, weird, os did Shuffles *(SHUFFLES!) and Boshanks and other assorted clowns. But man, I almost posted that ad it was so good - but then I remembered that I Didn't ahve access tao anyone's email but mine, so putting the ad up would be pointless unless I Could fill Ed Van LEer's email box with requests for girls to drive the Mt. Vernon shuttle. Damn that would havfe bene funny, I'm laughing so hard ri8ght now I think I might disrutp supergrover's whathaveyou - wait no it's 4:45 am.l PEEEEEEACAAAACCEEEE! I don't mean that though cause I'm no hippy like Alicia. MAke me some PIEEEE!

Okay, okay...

Ananymous posting is great, but names would be nice. I can pretty much guess at most of them though.

A lot of hits lately, average of 18ish for the past four days. Strangely enough, very few of them from Pittsburgh...

Head for the hills, it's bird flu!

There are so many minute absurdities at this law firm, it really isn’t worth categorizing each and every one. But when big ones come along, it really just defies description. Now, I know at this point, you’re thinking “What could the title of this post POSSIBLY have to do with working at a patent law firm?” Prior to working here, I would have been just as skeptical, but allow me to share with you some parts of an email I received from the highers-up here.

Apparently, after 9/11, the firm formed an emergency preparedness committee. A good move, considering we are a mere 4 or 5 blocks from the White House area. But at the last meeting of this esteemed body, the topic was not terrorists, hurricanes, or even bear attack… it was bird flu. One more note on the committee: its purpose is “to prepare for disasters that could disrupt the Firm's workflow and business continuity.” What the hell is ‘business continuity?’ And why would we be worrying about it in the middle of an outbreak, if one should occur? The result of this meeting was one of the most hilarious emails I have ever received.

The message states, “Our purpose is not to create any panic, but to educate and inform you of the known facts.” Fair enough. I think the bird flu thing is just as media-created as the SARS scare was, but I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt. Now, having said that… the very next line reads: “Flu is a virus. Examples of viruses are the common cold, small pox, polio, yellow fever, ebola and HIV (AIDS).” Wh… why even mention that? Flu is a virus, like the common cold… END OF DISCUSSION! Our purpose is not to alarm you guys, but just for the record, bird flu is along the same lines as the epidemic that killed off the Native Americans and a flesh-eating supervirus that liquefies your internal organs.

Well, with such a dire threat hanging over our firm, what can we do, oh what can we puny humans do against this potential “pandemic?” And, yes, the p-word was brought out in the email. Whatever shall we do? Aside from hand-washing, we can engage in “hygienic cough and sneeze management.” And in doing so, we should make sure we “throw tissues in the trash can immediately after use.” Yeah… no more pinning up your dirty tissues on the wall - that shit belongs in the trash.

But my favorite of all, and the funniest line of the email, recommends that we engage in “social distancing,” the process of restricting “physical contact such as handshakes, hugs, etc.”


Foolish elf! I hope you’re still alive when you have to explain to the world’s children how you infected Santa Claus with bird flu.

So, esteemed attorneys of this company, don’t bother with a friendly handshake to seal the deal. Just clasp your hands behind your back, take a step back and say “This has been pleasant and professional. Good luck in the coming business year.” The last tip is to “maintain a reasonable distance from each other as far as possible - 3 to 5 feet is recommended.” Or better yet, let’s all start rolling around the office in hamster balls. And don’t forget - no more riding your ostrich to work.


All of this was not simply hollow words either. The same day that email came out, hand wipes and Clorox bleach cloths were distributed to every office cube in the firm. I’m not complainin’ - I’ll be swiping them when I leave. But seriously… bird flu? This threat is all make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.