Head for the hills, it's bird flu!
There are so many minute absurdities at this law firm, it really isn’t worth categorizing each and every one. But when big ones come along, it really just defies description. Now, I know at this point, you’re thinking “What could the title of this post POSSIBLY have to do with working at a patent law firm?” Prior to working here, I would have been just as skeptical, but allow me to share with you some parts of an email I received from the highers-up here.
Apparently, after 9/11, the firm formed an emergency preparedness committee. A good move, considering we are a mere 4 or 5 blocks from the White House area. But at the last meeting of this esteemed body, the topic was not terrorists, hurricanes, or even bear attack… it was bird flu. One more note on the committee: its purpose is “to prepare for disasters that could disrupt the Firm's workflow and business continuity.” What the hell is ‘business continuity?’ And why would we be worrying about it in the middle of an outbreak, if one should occur? The result of this meeting was one of the most hilarious emails I have ever received.
The message states, “Our purpose is not to create any panic, but to educate and inform you of the known facts.” Fair enough. I think the bird flu thing is just as media-created as the SARS scare was, but I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt. Now, having said that… the very next line reads: “Flu is a virus. Examples of viruses are the common cold, small pox, polio, yellow fever, ebola and HIV (AIDS).” Wh… why even mention that? Flu is a virus, like the common cold… END OF DISCUSSION! Our purpose is not to alarm you guys, but just for the record, bird flu is along the same lines as the epidemic that killed off the Native Americans and a flesh-eating supervirus that liquefies your internal organs.
Well, with such a dire threat hanging over our firm, what can we do, oh what can we puny humans do against this potential “pandemic?” And, yes, the p-word was brought out in the email. Whatever shall we do? Aside from hand-washing, we can engage in “hygienic cough and sneeze management.” And in doing so, we should make sure we “throw tissues in the trash can immediately after use.” Yeah… no more pinning up your dirty tissues on the wall - that shit belongs in the trash.
But my favorite of all, and the funniest line of the email, recommends that we engage in “social distancing,” the process of restricting “physical contact such as handshakes, hugs, etc.”
Foolish elf! I hope you’re still alive when you have to explain to the world’s children how you infected Santa Claus with bird flu.
So, esteemed attorneys of this company, don’t bother with a friendly handshake to seal the deal. Just clasp your hands behind your back, take a step back and say “This has been pleasant and professional. Good luck in the coming business year.” The last tip is to “maintain a reasonable distance from each other as far as possible - 3 to 5 feet is recommended.” Or better yet, let’s all start rolling around the office in hamster balls. And don’t forget - no more riding your ostrich to work.
All of this was not simply hollow words either. The same day that email came out, hand wipes and Clorox bleach cloths were distributed to every office cube in the firm. I’m not complainin’ - I’ll be swiping them when I leave. But seriously… bird flu? This threat is all make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
posted by House @ 4:33 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Gremlins are real! Have you ever seen Tweak!?! You know, your not supposed to feed them after midnight.
Also, Donald Rumsfeld is a minority shareholder in Roche, the maker of Tamiflu, the only known drug that can treat a Bird Flu infection (and comes in delightful grape and now cherry flavor!). Better off putting mustard compress in your socks and taking a shot of vodka with honey in it...
Ok, this is part of an email which I wrote to everyone who mattered this past spring semester about the bird flu, and this is the important part of it... it's just too important... I couldn't keep it to myself (please, remember that all names have been changed to protect some shit that I can't remember):
(I wrote this email after our group's trip to Normandie)
You see, during the two nights which we passed in Norman hotels, I spent some time on the bathroom floors. And among the things I caught (Ru***dy knows what I'm talking about, but I can guarantee you one awkward conversation if you ask him about it) was the bird flu.
For those of you who haven't been following the news on this, here's a little recap of what I can remember and what might and/or might not be true:
In the aftermath of World War II, in the small Tajik village of Kuyeysheviskiy there was born a baby by the name of Dr. Cuadernos Msilacidnys (don't ask me why he was born with the first name Dr., as I clearly know nothing of the history nor the culture of Tajikistan... I don't even know if Tajik is the correct adjective), and even though he never received a doctorate, in Western circles up to this very day, he is revered as the premier Tajik scientist of the 20th century, if not the only. Anyways, to make a long story short, Dr. Msilascidnys like to sniff the chemicals from under the sink because that way he could asphyxiate his brain for a few seconds and think that he was high, but unfortunately, these simple one-horse-town chemicals soon were not enough. So he started mixing them together. Sooner or later, no one really knows because the only source we have for his life story is the diary of his old neighbor who was a crack-head (yes, I'm sorry New York, but crack was invented long ago in Tajikistan, and the only way that those poor NY coke-heads ever discovered the wonders of taking one hit and having their penises disappear and their hearts stop was from licking the floor of some Tajik's taxi, and finding some misplaced rocks), but yes, sooner or later he was up late one night, or late one morning, or... well it might have been late afternoon, and he had a vision. A vision of a miracle cure-all for each of humanities woes, which Dr. Msilascinys could make from his simplest of house-hold chemicals. And what did he come up with?!? No, not a wonderful human cure-all, but just a virus that killed all of his villages chickens.
Driven from his home, and feeling quite bitter about being separated from his beloved under-the-counter reality escape, Dr. Msilascinys resolved to spread his new virus around the world, starting in China, or wherever it was first reported.
Soon, millions of birds were dying (for the virus was soon discovered to affect more than just the average domestic chicken), and some academic vagrants, who were never very good at coming up with good names for things (just look at that new big rock in our solar system, they're calling some letters and numbers, nothing cool which I could remember), came to call it the 'bird-flu'. Since then it's killed birds across Asia and Europe, and probably a bunch of other places that we don't care about. Oh and I think it killed some people in China or somewhere like that, but I'm not worried about that because, being in France, my odds of surviving anything are higher than they'd be in the States (if you don't believe me, look at the infant mortality rates and life-expectancies). But, again, I digress...
Now there are a lot of misunderstandings about the bird flu out there, and seeing as I've got some first hand experience with it now, I thought that I'd dispel some of these terrible rumors.
-You can't catch the bird flu from someone else who has it. You have to get it from a bird which has it. And really, it's surprising the many ways you can get it from a bird. No, no, no... not from merely eating a bird with it. But from doing such mild things as can't be mentioned in a family rated email? probably. Needless to say, cleaning up all of those feathers and all of that blood in the morning was not the best part of the weekend. (This theory is actually being tested right now. If Ru***dy comes down with flu-like symptoms over the next couple days, then I guess what happens in Paris doesn't stay in Paris, especially if you take it with you.)
-You don't start to grow feathers or a beak or anything birdlike, although I was scared a few times when I found some remaining feathers in unsuspected places.
-The bird flu isn't like AIDS, you can kiss and hug people who have it. But for everyone's sake, please don't touch their hands, as you'll get this gross, sticky green stuff everywhere.
-In many ways, the bird flu is much like the normal flu: the aching, the fever and such. But in many ways it's not: the green stuff, the uncontrollable urge to eat fallafel (a little help with the spelling there? Kayla?), and the loss of hair, not on the head or face, but mainly on the feet.
I'd list more things that you should know about the bird flu, but once again, that fallafel craving is hitting me, so I've got to get to the Jewish quarter and back before class in forty minutes.
Cheers, and eat lots of chicken!
Fow***ler.
....you see what I'm saying: too important to keep to myself, and yet too important to give away to just anyone...
...You know what that means: keep this information to only yourself and your closest intimates, for if spread to the general public, there might be that general kaoz that we've always been hoping for...
...wait one second...
...yes, do it, tell everyone, yes, it will be brilliant, tell everyone...
...you'll have to forgive those few spelling errors and comma mistake in that last comment... I was writing that bit, which I just copied and pasted into the 'enter a comment' space, quite quickly between classes last spring semester, and half thinking in another language, which is not to be snooty, but to proffer excuses... which you probably won't listen to.
....thanks, you stuck up, mono-lingual, un-cultured, barbarous, heathen of an inbred, blue-blooded up-bringing. No! Fuck you, and everything you've ever stood for!
...ok, that felt great...
...clean their pools...fuck their wives...
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