To boldly go where everyone except me has gone before

Some of you out there may not know that I don't drink. At all.. none of this pussy-pansy bullshit of "I taste," or "I don't get drunk." I flat out do not drink at all (with the exception of New Year's Eve when I was in Lithuania and it was legal). And even then I was most definitely not altered at all.

This was a decision that I made when I first came to college, being that at the time I was dead-set on a career in the intelligence community, where they take any substance-related arrests very, very seriously. For the most part, that reason has fallen significantly in importance. I'm not sure I want to do intelligence anymore. I've entertained possibilities of teaching English in Russia, or going into the US Navy's Officer Candidate School. I've even thought about doing what one of my history professors does, and unpack all the old Soviet archives looking for new perspectives on the Cold War. Career plans aside, the point is that my refusal to imbibe in alcohol originated out of a fear of getting some sort of underage drinking arrest on my record.

But that's not why it continued. Later on, my aversion to booze developed out of a healthy disdain for drunk people. Often, I was told to look after drunk people at parties, which I did not much appreciate. Besides that, even, I saw the changes in my friends' personalities as they got wasted and it disgusted me. I didn't ever want to be the people my friends became when they were shit-housed. To an extent, this is still part of why I don't drink, albeit a minor part.

So there are two reasons that came and went: fear of arrest, and dislike of drunk people. What does that leave? Spite.

I'll put this in bold. The only reason I didn't drink through sophomore or junior year is because everyone wanted me to. When I said "The more you make these not-drinking jokes and offering me beers, the longer it will be until I do drink," I meant it. The fact that I don't drink is a minute and unimportant part of my personality. It's irritating having jokes about my sobriety as the one constant in my party experiences. It's irritating having a normal conversation and people going off on tangents about "So... when are you going to drink?" Of all the things you could possibly bring up, you think that that's the most important thing to ask about? For all these reasons and more, I will not be drinking until I am 21. Arbitrary? Maybe.

Now that I have decided to take my first adventures into the world of what one roommate described once as "fantabulous drunkitude," I already have people telling me "I'm going to get you so shit faced [blah-blah-blah]," etc., etc. Again, this is precisely the reason why I am NOT going to go overboard. Why is this so important to other people? I simply don't understand and it bothers me that something so trivial and pointless envelopes people so passionately as to get excited about getting me drunk. If I ever do end up booting as a result of an accidentally excessive intake of alcohol, I'll make sure it's right in the lap of one of you fuckers who made it your life's business to see the day that I drank alcohol.

All of that said, it's 80 days until the first time I take to the streets and go boldly where everyone except me has gone before. The only reason I'm even bothering is because if I ever go to Russia (which seems inevitable at this point) I don't want to die as a result of drinking with Russians. So for this first ever foray, what sort of festivities will there be? I don't know. I'm not really anticipating anything too special. But I will say this. Dave Stira does not drink beer. I have tasted beer three times in my life:

1) When my dad was drinking a beer and I wanted a taste of it ("Knock yourself out, but you're not going to like it...")
2) When more than a dozen of us bit LHers, in retaliation for all the times she'd bitten us at parties, and she spilled her beer all over my face and partially in my mouth.
3) When I was in Lithuania, at a nightclub, and my friend bought me what was supposedly a "good Lithuanian beer, much better than American."

Lo and behold, each time, I came away with the same impression: beer tastes like fermented Metamucil. I fucking hate beer, it is gross and does not deserve its status as a beverage. Rest assured, that if I roll up to a party next year with the intention of knocking back a few, it will be hard liquor. There is no way I am suffering through drinking that shit. I'll get myself some good Russian vodka and I'll be on my way (probably carrying out with me accoutrements from the host's venue -- be forewarned). And for the record, if it ain't Slavic, it ain't vodka. You can talk about your Grey Goose or Vox or whatever, but unless it comes from a country that was plastered with red stars 20 years ago, keep it the fuck away from me.

July 12th is my birthday. I have stated that I want to go to the Russia House, but I would understand if people didn't want to go with me. It is run by the Russian Mob, and it is a formal and expensive place, but I have the benefit of never having spent a dime for beer money so far...