Move to Florida and play golf? I don't think so.

I'm not sure I'll make it until retirement age. I have to figure with the number of things that piss me off, a confluence of a large number of these circumstances would result in an aneurysm of Hindenberg-sized proportions. Therefore, all of this may be moot. All that aside, I've decided what I want to do in my retirement.

In the past, I have stated that I want to buy a big estate out here in the Midwest somewhere, and just sit on my porch with a martini and a shotgun until I feel like doing something else. That's cool, but I think I've found something even better: maritime vigilantism.

Yes, that's correct. You see, I've been reading an awful lot about this whole piracy thing that seems to be happening off the Horn of Africa. While some people say "Whoa! Pirates are badass!" I say, f that s up the b. Pirates in general, and these pirates, are fucking with the cogs of the capitalist system. Anyone who knows me knows that I love capitalism. They've captured a boat full of Russian tanks. Now they captured a supertanker. So, these donut punchers need to start facing a serious case of deadness for screwing with our beloved petroleum and heavy armor.

What we need to do is just kill them. This isn't complicated, this isn't like "Oh well there are two sides, so we have to understand both of them. Maybe we should try to fix the reason why they are fighting rather than fighting them." No. This is a case of, these guys are fucking with our SHIT, and they deserve every can off whoop-ass that gets thrown their way. There is nothing ideological about this piracy, it is sheer illicit greed (regular legal greed I am okay with, it is what makes America great, but not this kind of greed).

What I think navies should start doing is making decoy boats. You buy some old garbage scow, let's call it the SS Larry Craig...


...and just arm it to the teeth. All the armaments should be put in like the headlights on an 80s-era Honda Prelude: flip-up baby!


Seriously, if I am still able-bodied, and this type of chicanery is still going on when I retire, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to hire Captain Picard and Clubber Lang, and drive around pirate-infested waters sitting on a cleverly camouflaged garbege-scow-cum-Death Star.

RPGs? Machine guns? Little speedboats sent out from "pirate motherships?" According to the BBC and other sources, this is how these wannabe hooligans are armed. Please. If individual soldiers can be protected from RPGs in Iraq, then what kind of boat has any problem repelling an RPG attack at sea? Fuck it, you don't even need to risk the lives of Captain Picard and Clubber Lang -- they can both give pirates the finger from inside while they pick off fuckwads using a Wii-mote hooked into the fire control. G... G... Noobs.

I can't wait to retire.