Alcohol + my brain = academic excellence

Last week I was faced with a most unenviable task. I had to write (honest to God)... a book review.

I wish I could say that the last time I had to write a book report, I was still showing up to school in sweatpants and playing Star Wars cards at lunch, but alas I cannot say that. In fact, this book review is for a professor I had last year, and this is my second go-around at this most awful of assignments. For whatever reason, he must think we all want to be academics.

Believe me, I don't want to rag on Dr. Raun, because he is the man. If you don't know your things in class, get ready to get pwnt. Also, he has no problem sitting there and thinking silently for a few seconds and making sure he knows exactly what he's about to say. Talk about confidence. Raun is all business, and he will not hesitate to call you out, in front of the whole class, by reminding you that he likes to make announcements at the beginning of class, and if you could please not be five minutes late so he has to repeat himself. This befell a classmate of mine, not me. Aside from that, he knows at least five languages, and used to be a college basketball player back in the day. He's not a joker, but every once in a while he will say something that makes everyone laugh, just because he's so serious most of the time. Raun is the only professor here who has challenged me academically, so I take his assignments pretty seriously (along with the 250+ pages of reading each week...).

Anyways, back to the book review. I reviewed Ronald Suny's book Looking Towards Ararat, a survey of the development of an Armenian nation. I picked this book because I know basically nothing about Armenia. Now I know some things -- woo for me. I am not super enthusiastic about this book, especially its lack of maps and use of crazy Armenian words with little or no explanation.

With the book review, Raun says it should be 2/3 about the content (summing up the author's arguments) and 1/3 critique. If you're reading this blog, you know that it would be far easier for me to do 3/3 critique... about anything. Needless to say, the going was pretty slow when I sat down to actually write the review on the day before it was due. I developed a major inability to write -- unlike any kind of writers' block I've encountered before. Ultimately I decided I needed to try a different strategy.

I remembered that an associate of mine from PreemCroft Enterprises used to drink beers while he wrote an essay. It was like a game for him, and if he finished the essay before he was wasted -- winner! After inspecting the contents of my fridge, I found that I had (a) bisongrass vodka and (b) gin for my two liquors and (a) cranberry juice and (b) Five-Alive for mixers. Not good. Cranberry and vodka with normal vodka is good, but cranberry with bisongrass vodka is most foul. That left me making ghetto orange blossoms -- Five-Alive and gin. It was tolerable though unspectacular, and five drinks later the words were issuing forth with ease.

Having set my alarm to wake me up several hours before go-time, I got up in the morning and did some editing. This step is key to this strategy. Without this stage, I probably would not be lauding this method of brain lubrication.

Yeah, I got drunk by myself. But it was worth it. I got the paper back today. I got an A from a professor who probably prides himself on not contributing to grade inflation. Even better, my review was "very well written" and I followed "a strongly analytical approach in my coverage of the book's contents." I just needed a little help getting the words out.