Through Russia With Annoyance: Part II

I decided that not having a visa while transiting Moscow would be a bad idea. I looked up how much a transit visa would cost. $150 for a single-entry visa with 6-10 business day processing. $200 for a double-entry visa with 3-5 day processing.

I'm flying through Moscow both ways, so I got my materials together. This includes the questionnaire you have to fill out. Here are some select excerpts:

-Do you have any specialized skills, training or experience related to fire-arms and explosives or to nuclear, biological or chemical activities? If «Yes», please explain.
-List all professional, civil and charity organizations which you are (were) a member of, or contribute (contributed) to, or work (worked) with.
-Have you ever been sick with a communicable disease of risk for the public or suffered a dangerous physical or mental disorder?
-Have you ever been involved in an armed conflict, either as a member of the military service or a victim? If «Yes», please explain

Yes, they are crazy. Also, it says in big red type that since the US raised its rates to $131 for Russian citizens, the Russians increased their rates in retaliation. Yes, again, they are crazy. I sent it all off via FedEx with the return envelope and everything. Done and done... right?

Wrong. I arrive home to have my mom tell me that the Russian Consulate had just called for me. I call them back, and the woman answers "Rossiyskoye Konsulstvo," saying not a word in English. This is going to be fun. I initially tried to speak with her in English, figuring that she works at a fucking consulate and I really would rather not have any misunderstandings with her by speaking in imperfect Russian.

We talk for a while, and I get the gist of it -- I can't apply for both the flight to and flight from. The flight from is too far in the future for me to get a transit visa right now. I asked, well, what should I do about payment? The reason being, I paid 200 dollars for my double-entry visa and the expedited processing. One-way only costs $150 if expediated. This confused the woman and she started speaking in Russian to a colleague. I could hear what she was saying at first and it was "how do I tell him that [blahblahblahblahblah]." The colleague gets on the phone and asks "You agree to have your visa only for the first flight in May?" I say, "Yeah, that's fine." She says "All right." Click.

If this were anything else I'd just say fuck it and go along my merry way, but since this is official business and whatnot, I decided to take a more proactive approach. I called back and said I still had questions. The woman was audibly disappointed that they had not adequately dispatched me and my silly questions, and so I promptly confused her by saying in Russian, "if it's more convenient, I can speak with you in Russian." She seemed pleased and rattled off a whole bunch of things that I mostly understood.

Apparently, if I wanted to pay the proper amount and not donate the surplus $40 to the Chechnya Road Beautification Fund, I'd need to send another check. Except by check they mean money order (they don't accept checks) so unless they were willing to send back my original money order (and spend the $0.42 cents??? Never!) I was not getting my money back. So I ended up paying $200 for a single-entry visa. I will now have to go to the Russian embassy in Vilnius and get a transit visa from them while I am in Vilnius. Lovely.

Side note: I kind of thought to myself, here I am the typical arrogant American calling the Russian embassy and trying to conduct all of my business in English and only speaking Russian as a last resort. I felt a little bit bad about that, but then I remembered... this is Russia we're talking about! They'll speak Russian at you until they're blue in the face even if you tell them you don't understand and even if they know decent English. After all, why would you be associating with the Russians if you didn't speak the language?!?!... bozhe moy!