God bless you Microsoft Word

Dear Microsoft Word,

I know we've had our troubles in the past. Your maddening habit of inserting blank space at the end of text right before footnotes, that smarmy paperclip you always hang out with, and your constant insistence that my last name is misspelled. But you are my rock.

After having a few drinks, it is pretty much inevitable that I will come home and spend a few minutes basking in the glow of my computer screen before turning in for the night. On most nights, the long walk home results in some deep thoughts, of a personal nature of course. And of course, upon returning home and using the computer, I am overcome by an irresistible urge to publish said personal thoughts. Why this phenomenon occurs, I cannot say.

But once the monitor is powered on, there's that hussy GMail. All glitzy with its colored labels, chat utility, and superorganized way of presenting my email. It beckons. "Go ahead," it says in its best late-night singles telephone service voice, "you've been thinkin' all night... let's start... a conversation..." No, GMail. You are nothing more than a tart looking to make my life miserable. Sure you're pleasant and helpful when I'm sober, but now you're just trying to take advantage of me. Shame on you.

A thought occurs. It might be a bad idea to write emails while inebriated... but since I'm thinking so damned well thanks to all the screwdriving I've done tonight, I convince myself that I've at least got to write down all the awesome things I think I've come up with, in order to use them when I'm sober. Enter: Microsoft Word.

I can say anything I want to you, Microsoft Word. You won't judge me. Sure you'll correct my drunken keyboarding with your ostentatious red lines, but in the morning, all I have to do is drag the document called "more thought.doc" into the trash bin. I don't even have to look at it. Nor do I even want to, because I know that even though I thought I was being super-smooth and doing myself a favor in writing down deep drunk thoughts, what I was in fact doing was drawing up my own social death warrant. But you, Microsoft Word, provided me with a safe haven for my drunken thoughts -- where they will never again see the light of day. Just drag into the trash bin and poof! gone. End of discussion. No damage control, no awkwardness. Microsoft Word, you just smile and say, "you were pretty drunk last night."


Keep doing what you do, Microsoft Word,
-Your biggest fan