Warmest regards, bitches: Part 1 of a 3-part series

I was talking with one of the alumni about how I was going to write an entry in here about emails and the form, structure, and etiquette thereof, and he mentioned to me that there was an article in the Times that somewhat had to do with what I was talking about. Email, in my experience, is becoming the primary means of communication between people around my age. As much as we all tote around our cell phones, at least among the people I hang out with, email is preferred.

Why is this? Well, I think most of all because it's impersonal. You don't actually have to talk to anyone. You can be a raging chimpanzee in heat in writing an email, but still have some modicum of composure on the phone because you can hear the person you're talking to and their reactions to what you say. I saw this on a weekly basis at CLLC, where I would recognize a person who called as a person who had sent a caustic email earlier in the week, complaining about irritable bowel syndrome and having to use a common bath. I'm not saying any of this is necessarily bad, but I do think that important issues should be discussed via means other than email. I'll admit I've sent my share of emails instead of calling or meeting up with someone, just because... well, I didn't really want to call or see them. Of course, I've been on the receiving end of some great ones (one particular high school relationship comes to mind), and it's pretty frustrating when an important issue is addressed in such an impersonal way.

When you think about it, email is just like a letter. Except no one treats it as such. Now, I'm not saying that we should be nearly as starchy as that article referenced above would have us be. I tend to treat emails more or equally as formally as anyone with whom I correspond, with some important caveats. But let's start with the #1 thing about writing emails:

1) Get GMail, dump ClownMail

Colonial Mail, for those of you who don't know, is GW's email client, which has essentially remained unchanged since 1998, as is my understanding. The short form is always CMail, and since it sucks ass, I and others have dubbed it ClownMail. This is the most worthless email client I have encountered, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, is the best: GMail. The "conversation"-style organization of incoming emails is key - if there's a long string of reply-to-alls calling people mewkies for example, they all appear in one line instead of a friggin' processional of stupidity down your inbox. Archiving and labeling allow you to put away things you don't want to keep, so they're still around, but they don't clutter anything. And if you want them back, just use labels (ex. one for ultimate, one for each class, etc.). Really I have nothing bad to say about GMail, and everyone should get it. Talk to me if you want more info and/or an invite.

2) PARAGRAPHS

That said about GMail, for the love of god, use paragraphs! I seem to remember one particular captain freshman year who had an unexplained aversion to paragraphs. Nothing is more intimidating than to get a gigantic block of text staring you in the face upon opening an email. This is why food comes in courses or on serving dishes and not in a five-gallon bucket -- you know what you're getting, and you know when one course ends and another begins.

3) Salutations and sign-offs

Again, I'm not of the same persuasion as the people writing the article, but I do have a hierarchy for sign-offs, as they mention. Salutations and sign-offs are not necessarily complicated, but they are necessary. Sign-offs are necessary to me because it's like putting your stamp of approval on a letter - I'm Dave Stira and I approve this message. And salutations, well, I just think they're polite. Really, saying "Person X," as a salutation and signing it "-Person Y" is perfectly acceptable. Writing "Warmest regards," "All the best," and shit like that just sounds heteroflexible (footnote to A-ron on the term). Especially when I'm just emailing back and forth with my friends, which is easily 90% of the email I write.

4) Spelling, punctuation, capitalization

You knew this was coming. Just make an effort, that's all I ask. Do recall that every time you use AIM-speak in an email, God allows a small cuddly woodland creature to meet an untimely demise. It's science.

5) Go EASY with FoRmAtTiNg

Use your formatting tools frugally. Just as you were told when you were three years old, use your words... not your formatting. If you REALLY want to make a point, a few well-placed bold words or italics can press home a point. Overused, it's visual rape. And remember, nothing makes you look more like a sorority chick than putting color behind text. It just looks bad. End of discussion.

And that's the end of that chapter. Next up in the series of how the Internet is destroying society: AIM: Crumlent, or not?