Away Message Etiquette: First Edition

I feel like away messages are something that defines our generation. I'm completely serious, I think that most people I know either compulsively or casually check away messages regularly. Think about it. All those shitty VH1 things about each decade. In the 00's, if they don't mention away messages, they certainly have no clue what went on in this decade. So when I see some of the crap out there on my buddy list, it just pisses me off. So here are some rules that I think will help you avoid my cyber-wrath.

1) "Away" is never, under any circumstances, an acceptable away message. Neither is "Not here," the AIM default message, "Here," or "Around." I mean seriously, just don't bother. Just sign your ass off. You're just wasting other people's time. One reason I check away messages to see if anyone's doing anything interesting, thus providing future conversation fodder. Posting any of the above messages just wastes my time. What do I possibly have to gain by looking at your message? I see the yellow box, I know you've got an away message up. By putting up something uber-lame like "away," you're just repeating yourself. You wouldn't leave a note for someone that says "This is a note." And when the day comes that you see the light, and you start putting up good away messages, no one will ever see them because we've all come to the conclusion that your away messages suck ass.

2) Song lyrics. I have trouble deciding which I hate more, song lyrics or "away." Unless the song lyrics are funny, I don't want to read them. Songs don't lend themselves to brevity. I don't want to read six or eight lines of some ridiculous emo bullshit just to know that you're having relationship problems. It's strange, the people on my buddy list who do this are almost exclusively people who listen to emo, the worst thing to happen to music since the Backstreet Boys. I guess it's the whole "people care about my pain and want to take ten minutes to hear about it through song" thing that the whole emo genre has going on.

So those things aside, here are some guidelines to making away messages. Your message should meet at least one of the following criteria:

a) It's funny - Everyone likes a funny away message. TV quotes are fine. Movie quotes, also good. Quotes from other people - gold. If you need inspiration, IM @-ron and talk about his job. If your away message is funny, then no other condition need be met. If an away message is funny, it's fine.

b) It's informational - Even something as lame as "in the library studying" is better than nothing. Fundamentally, this is the simplest reason why away messages exist. First, it gives people some idea of when you'll be back if they want to talk to you. If you say "Taking a dump," I know you'll be back presently and I'll just wait it out. If you say "At the doctors getting this rash checked out," I know I should probably leave you a message or give you a call. Secondly, if I want to go find you, or to join in hanging out, it tells me where I should go. "Watching football," although bland, is okay, because someone out there may want to watch the game, but has no one to watch it with.

c) It gives me some idea of your mental state - This definitely has conditions, though.
-----i) It's more than three words.
-----ii) It's under three sentences, unless it is written completely in your own words. Song lyrics, though they are a pet peeve of mine, are okay if they're short.

In addition to that, there are some other considerations to take into account before clicking the "I'm Away" button.

a) Links are okay, but there are some sub-conditions that need to be fulfilled first:
-----i) They work! Bob Saget, if it doesn't work, you'll hear about it from me.
-----ii) They are really funny, as in, you know that over 75% of people would think it's funny. I'm not opening a new browser window to see an animated .gif of a squirrel doing the Macarena, dammit.

b) Any invitations given via away message are UNIVERSAL and you cannot expect certain people not to show up. Post with care.

c) You don't leave away messages for specific people. You call them, or email them, or leave them a note on their away messages.

I find I care less about this now that I wrote it all down but meh.