It ain't over 'til it's over

If needed, I can ascribe my lack of blogging in the past month to a lot of things. But first and foremost, the mental stress of graduating and leaving GW has been the most taxing event of my life. I hate to spin a sob story but here's the honest truth.

As I drove home with all of my life packed away in Rubbermaid containers and duffel bags, I couldn't listen to the radio. Every song I heard reminded me that I was leaving, and how upset I was over that fact. Much like that song "Always Something There To Remind Me," in every song there was... always something there to remind me. Arriving home, I felt a kind of release. Even though it is terrifying that college was over, I was glad that graduation week was finally over.

It should be a happy time, but I really can't feel any joy over graduating. Woohoo, I was magna cum laude. Woohoo, I had two majors. Woohoo, I finally get a degree. Whatever. These weren't the important parts of college to me, and they shouldn't be.

The last week, as I said, was probably the most psychologically grueling experience of my life. There was at least one night, after trying desperately to get people together to do something social, I ended up watching some crappy movie on TBS and falling asleep in my going-out clothes. On one of the last nights that I was at GW... what a depressing scenario. People had various reasons, some legitimate, some downright hurtful, for not being available. But in the end, it was frustrating because what am I going to do? Get mad and leave GW having been acrimonious towards my good friends? Obviously not an option, even though rage was devouring my insides with more rancor than Rosie O'Donnell attacking a bacon cheeseburger.

Had all my friends been the same age as me, this would have been a lot easier. It must be said that until your back is essentially against the wall, and you face leaving undergrad head-on, one cannot understand that last week and how I acted during that week. I know that I let this pressure get to me, and I was very intense about getting together with people. I'm not apologizing, because I think that if a person were in my position, they would understand. Unfortunately, my best friends are not in that same position, so my actions might have seemed over-the-top to them. I hope that their end-of-undergrad experience will prove my assumptions wrong, and their departure will not be as gut-wrenching. But mine was absolutely terrifying, admittedly interspersed with some great times. I just hope everyone understands why I was the way I was during that last week.

There are people deserving of thanks, people who really helped me get my mind off things and focus on having fun. Ruddiger, Lasky, Nir, LHers -- my Atlantic City crew. Penny slots + cocktail wenches + you guys = lots of fun. Nir, winning all of your change off of you after you loaned me a quarter to bet against you in Rock-paper-scissors was the crowning achievement of that trip. A great story to be sure.

Ruddiger was the man all week long -- always keeping me apprised of plans, calling when he said he would, getting girly drinks with me at McCormick & Schmicks happy hour, and of course hanging out too. Thanks buddy, if everyone carried themselves as you did over the course of my last week... man, it would have been a good week. I owe you a lot of gratitude for being there.

Gigabyte, Jenny, Scott, Cheese, and A-ron -- thanks for coming to Russia House with me for the last time. Mr. Bingle, you were there too, and it sucks that you got turned away.

I know I'm going to miss out on seeing all of my closest friends finish out their careers next year, or, for some, their continued journey through college. I told one of my friends that my biggest regret about finishing school now was that I didn't get to see how he turned out as a player and as a person. That's still absolutely true for him, and for everyone else the same sentiment applies. All I can say at this point is thanks for all the great times, and for being there for me when I really needed you. I just hope that when you need someone to talk to, even if I'm in Indiana, Russia, or who knows where, that you'll seek me out. No compliment is more flattering to me than when someone seeks my counsel when they are troubled. In the end, anyone who knows me well knows that my friends sit steadfast atop the list of my hopes and concerns, no matter where I am or where they are.

Email me. IM me. Give me a call. Write a letter, hell, send fucking smoke-signals. Really, the only cure for the type of separation anxiety I'm going to continue feeling over the next few years... is to keep in touch. Don't ever worry that you're "bothering" me if you see me online or want to give me a call. I'll let you know if it's a bad time or I'm feeling peevish... I mean honestly, when has candor ever been an issue? Nothing makes me happier to get an IM, email, or phone call from someone totally out of the blue. So that's it. I really don't have much else to say. If you think this was overly schmaltzy, fuck you. I don't get super-emotional (read: girly-emotional, anger is not included in the "I-usually-don't-get-emotional" category of emotions) but all of this needed to be said. Thanks for everything.

Fans of the blog who aren't really connected to me IRL ("in real life" for all the nubz0rs out there) -- don't worry. The vitriolic and only-sometimes comedic stream-of-consciousness crap-o-rama that is my blog will be updated more often in the future, since I have little else to do other than sit at home, do manual labor, eat, sleep, and think. Oh and starting 5 July I'll be in Russia, so look for travel bloggery from then until 10 August. If I can bribe enough officials to get a glimpse of the internet, that is...

As some other songs said, life is a highway... and do the walk... do the walk of life.