Deleted Scenes!

Hey everyone, I realize that I never actually posted my account of the Purple Valley party. I think I was scared people at my job would see it or something, but I am in and up out that bitch, so here you go.

For those outside of the ultimate community, Purple Valley is a tournament up in Williamstown, MA. It's 30 minutes past nowhere, but renowned the ultimate world over for its insane party. This year of course was no different, other than the obvious fact that I now drink and would actually enjoy being at a huge party rather than being simply overwhelmed by it, as in years past. Either way, g-dub has a tradition of having party buddies, just to prevent anything really bad happening, and (ostensibly) to prevent people from getting lost on an unfamiliar campus.

I think you can sense where this is going, but here goes. Max and I were party buddies, and so we all set off from the dorm at which we were staying, and arrived presently at the party. The party is themed every year, and this year it was "holiday," so we had to pick our favorite holiday and go dressed appropriately. We picked Fathers' Day, and since the tournament email stated that the party would likely get pretty warm (because they had to contain all the sound by closing the windows), I decided to dress accordingly. A KMart stop on the way up yielded a complete costume: a beater, some boxers, some slippers, and tall work socks. Done and done. Not only that but I'll be the most comfortable guy at the party.

Indeed that's how it turned out. I had my to-go bottle filled with Stolichnaya and I was well on my way to enjoying myself. Periodically, I look around for Max, just to make sure he's not grinding with some ugly girl (it's happened before, necessitating a pick-and-roll to get him out of Gigabyte's apartment). All is well, I talked with the Wang for awhile, and met Caitlin Redding for the first time. This was awkward because I didn't realize she knew everyone on Pitt, and I probably said some things I shouldn't have. Either way. Then I caught up with the guys and did some cheers back by the bar. Then, I arrived at UrineCon-1 and I knew the line for the one men's room is like 15 people long. I'd been told that coming back in after going outside was a highly dubious proposition, so it looked like I'd have to find someplace to pee inside the Student Union type house thingy where the party was raging.

The basement appears unguarded, so under the premise of "trying to find a water fountain," I went downstairs and began exploring. I found the room with all the furnaces and water heaters and stuff in it, and thought "Score." But upon closer inspection I found that there is a darkened space BEHIND the oil storage tanks, so that seals the dirty deal, and I take one of my more satisfying pisses of all time. I walk out and there's this guy bleeding the lizard on the wall right near the doorframe. Not only that, but he introduces himself to me as "Hey, I'm Chris from Tufts," while he's still doing the deed. Highly awkward, but I shook his hand (again, as he was pissing - not sure why this didn't strike me as odd at the time) and walked back upstairs chatting with him.

Back to business, I go to find more vodka, deal with that, then get some water from the bar. By now, I haven't seen Max since before I went searching for someplace to pee, so I start looking. Nowhere to be found. I mean, the kid is Big Jack size with a shock of blond hair not easily missed... and I can't find him. Of all the people I ask, Ethan has seen him, but he said he saw Max leave... by himself. Well this is just great, I've lost my party buddy, and he's by himself. At this point, I really thought there was no way he could go anywhere where we couldn't find him -- no keycard = no dorm access = this will suck for Max if we don't find him.

Anyways, at this point I figured I'd just stay at the party, assuming he'll probably turn/lurch up somewhere. This doesn't happen, but I wasn't about to go looking through the Massachusetts woods for my clown party buddy without a keycard, clad in my boxers and a beater. Once a bunch of us were ready to go (including Tufsky, who had the keycard), we all leave and try to find our dorm. This turns into a 40-minute ordeal of walking down unfamiliar and unlit roads, arriving at dorms we've never seen before, and listening to Rhino bitch the whole time about having lost his turkey baster (part of his Fathers' day costume). Moomi and I decide that a Max search party is in order, but that even Max is not worth freezing like an Eskimo corpse. Back at our dorm, I threw on some real clothes, and we were just about to go out looking for him. I'm legit worried at this point, so I call and... his phone rings in the bag next to me. Greeeaaaattt.

So now fully clothed, it's back to the party. Nothing doing there, even after a thorough check of the whole building, no Max. Then we walked around campus for about an hour (maybe more) shouting for Max and trying to see if there are other parties to which he may have wandered. Obviously, he couldn't be in some random dorm, since he has no way of getting in.

Then I get a call from a neurotic Coworker (who had already flipped out at me for losing my party buddy in the first place)... and tells me she has somehow found Max. Moomi and I haul ass over to the dorm where the women are staying, but Max did not go back with of our women. Somehow he found his way into someone else's room in that building, onto some guy's couch, and had taken up residence there. When asked if he wanted to go back to our dorm or not, the answer was a violent head shake 'no,' and a lethargically insistent "soooo collllddd...!" But Moomi and I were having none of that, so we put a sweatshirt on him, pulled him upright and dragged him out of the dorm, apologizing to numerous residents along the way.

After a short walk back to our dorm, we deposit him in the hallway by the bathroom door, outside of the suite we're staying in. I try to get my own shit in order, find a blanket for Max, and walk back out into the hallway to give him said blanket when I encounter Nerd McGee, a resident of the building at which we're staying. Nerd McGee proceeds to get on my case about "random guys" sleeping in "HIS house, not [mine]," blah blah blah. I'm patronizingly nice to him, so that by the end of his rant, he feels like a jackass for having been so mean in the first place. Ha! Game, set, and match STIRA. Go masturbate to your World of Warcraft, you prick.

Moomi and I both decide, though, that it's probably best if we don't leave him in the hallway. Unfortunately, though, the floor is literally covered with corpses of our teammates. So Max just decides to sit down next to the door, and flop onto Cortez, who is passed out as well. Literally, he's more or less blanketing Cortez at this point, and refuses to get up. This will not stand, and I propose just carrying his carcass over to the open hallway by the other restroom, inside the suite. Moomi tries to carry him sack-of-potatoes style, and Max makes some horrible wretching noise, so stamp a big red A on that for "Abort." Since Cortez was still covered with a meatblanket, Moomi grabbed Max by the torso and I grabbed his legs, and we started carrying him over all the passers-out. I tripped over Mickey, sending some Maxparts cascading onto Davis, who was draped over a recliner. Some mild groin pain later, we have him into the proper hallway.

I gave Max whatever blankets I could find, then put on every piece of clothing I brought with me so that I would be warm too, and I finally laid down, at like 3:30am. But that's not the end of the story (just a couple more paragraphs).

I woke up at 4:30am because my groin was hurting me again, or something, and I look over and no Max. "WHAT THE FUCK," I say audibly, provoking some dazed stirring by Boshanks and Shed. I grabbed my keycard and walked around looking for him among the body piles. No Max. Previous spot in the hallway? Nothing. Downstairs in the lobby? Nothing. Outside in the freezing cold? Nope. I walked back upstairs, telling myself that I've done all I can, and as I walk into the room... Max is fucking standing up against the corridor like a goofball, listing back and forth with his eyes open. At this point I am literally bewildered beyond all description, so I just ask him if he wants to go to sleep, and after the response of "Yeah, that'd probably be a good idea," I go to put him back in the same spot in the corridor.

Enter Boshanks, who is in my spot now. I throw Max down in the old spot, re-blanket my absurdly wasted party buddy, and finally lay down to actually go to sleep. I doing so, I took the only remaining spot, which puts my head next to Max's knees and my feet in Boshanks' face. I was denied a night of drunkitude, I would not be denied a spot to sleep, no matter how awkward it was for others. Time: 4:45am. I need to be up in 3.5 hours. Faaaantastic. I go to sleep and, aside from getting kneed in the head about three times, the rest of the night proceeds as nights should. Uneventfully.

One more paragraph -- the piece de resistance. The next morning, the female tournament director, who lives in the suite we slept in, pops her head out the door as I'm walking by getting ready, and says "Hey, can I speak to your captain?" Sure, I say. I am immediately sure that this is one of those things where I should be glad I didn't get elected captain. Once Ben came back, I stand in on their conversation and she says "One of your players peed on my floor last night." Tufsky inquires "Which one, do you know?" She says, "I don't know, some tall blond kid." Ask Tufsky to reenact my reaction, but Max definitely peed on her floor. That would explain where he was when I woke up at 4:30, and why he was in the room when I got back. The funniest part I guess is that he was sleeping directly across from the bathroom door, but chose instead to go down the hallway, hang a right, open a random door, and piss on the tournament director's floor. Priceless.