Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

To start, any rumors you may have heard are true. I did indeed down 21+ drinks on my 21st birthday. This is widely accepted fact, verified by everyone who was at the party - if you don't believe me I can provide references. I'm mostly going to copy an email I wrote to the listserv, with some changes added in based on new sources.

Things started out at the hippy restaurant Tufsky recommended. Before I even got my food, I was offered a mango rum mojito (1), compliments of the restaurant. To be honest, I was not particularly thrilled that my first drink of the night was going to be the gayest drink you could possibly make, but it was free, so who was I to say no. Dinner went off well, despite a bozo parade of hippies who were also dining there.

On the way out, Tim bought me a shot of Grand Marnier (2) which was actually pretty good. We arrived at the Russia House, despite Premie's failed attempt to prove his geographic prowess. I've had my heart set on going to this place from the moment I decided to start drinking at 21, so I was thrilled to be there, especially when I realized how many people came out. The place is a two-room lounge, rumoured in the GW Slavic department to be run by the Russian Mob. This, of course, only added to the allure of going there.

I met one of the owners of the bar and jawed with him for a while about Lithuania/Russia/etc., and the resident lush also introduced himself to me. Think Barney Gumble at age 60. The owner gave me my first shot of starka (3) on the house. Now, I'm sorry if I don't recognize everyone who bought me drinks, but I remember some things and forget others so forgive me. Next up was something called "balsam" (4) that the owner wanted me to try (also on the house). A problem then began to present itself: I had no idea what I wanted to drink. So I told people to ask the bartender/owner for recommendations and then bring that shit over. Next up was something Ukranian and red (5), though I can't remember the exact name, or who bought it for me. I originally thought it was Alicia, but the more I think about it, Jenee was one of the first people to buy me something, so it was probably her. Either way... next was a kiwi-raspberry flavored shot of something (6) with Jenn and Tufsky. This was the best drink I had all night, taste-wise.

If the preceding events were the island-hopping campaign on the way to conquering my sobriety, this next drink was the fucking A-bomb that turned my bustling city of pleasent tipsiness into a smoking crater of flat-out drunkitude. Lindsey, Mae, and Alicia (I think) chipped in and bought me a martini glass filled with vodka (7, 8, 9). The bartender just took two bottles of vodka and poured some of each into the glass. Next up was introducing my friends to starka, a Polish-Lithuanian drink that I had when I was in Vilnius. This had to be done because starka is delicious. I definitely had one shot (10) of it with Brody and one with Topshelf (11). I also remember my cousin calling me twice because she was concerned about my safety or something. Both Brody and Andy talked to her at some point -- weird. I drank some more things (12, 13, 14, 15), but quite honestly, I can't remember what they were. I remember drinking my 16th drink, but...

...this is when my memory changes from a regular episode of "The Life of David Stira" into a horribly disjointed and embarassing clip show (16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, ?).

Now, I'm describing the end of the night based on details provided by others because I definitely remember very little. I will, of course, note what I do remember. Some things I do remember include walking somewhere with Jenee and JB helping me along. That I really appreciate, because I know how unwieldy drunk people are (ahem... Lyle). Also, I hear Linc was a trooper in helping me along, despite the fact that I called him an asshole... over, and over, and over again. That I don't remember, but also don't doubt.

We went to the Froggy Bottom Pub, a local hangout that seems to have a part in pretty much every weekend drinking session around here. Enroute, I apparently peed on the Starbucks at 22nd and K with the help of Jack and Linc. I, however, have no recollection of even leaving the Russian bar. I have been told that I was "holding court" with a whole lot of people at Froggy, so I guess that's good, except that I have no idea what I decided to talk about. I'd like to know eventually, I suppose. I do, however, distinctly remember the split second where I thought it would be appropriate to slam my head on the table reallllyyy hard. I also can still feel that when I push on my forehead. Later on I was also shown a video in which Bert says how he was "an amorphous blob" by the time he reached the number of shots that I had reached, and that I should be proud that I was still awake and speaking. With a completely straight face, I look him in the eye and say "You know, Bert... that's why I'm better than you." I understand there are more videos, but I don't want to see them.

Beyond that, I remember waking up on the floor of Pete and Jack's room without any clothes on, and being quite cold and bewildered. Then I remember going into my room and being even more bewildered by the fact that there were no sheets on my bed. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that I had peed in my bed.

Turns out, I actually had peed (only a little) on the floor of Jack and Pete's room. This has been described by one member of g-dub ultimate as "the greatest thing [I] could have ever done." There were no sheets on my bed because apparently I booted in my bed. Further intelligence also indicates that I booted in Jack's bed. Of everything that I was later apprised of, this is probably the most embarassing. I'm sure everyone can think of lots of embarassing things that I said (know why I never drank before). Even so, I regret befouling my roommates' room most of all because they did so much to help me post-blitz. On the other hand, someone pointed out that they were the ones egging me on to begin with, so they deserved it. I can see the point, but I'm still really embarassed, and I still don't think anyone deserved that.

The next morning, upon waking up, I was still quite drunk and remained so until around 4:00 or 4:30 in the afternoon. I woke up in clothes that I never wear, because after dragging my naked ass into bed, I woke up cold and put on whatever I could find to stay warm because I had no blankets. I was informed of various things throughout the morning, including the fact that I had reached 21 shots. I'm not going to say "Thanks a lot everyone for getting me to 21 shots," because I really didn't want to boot. Especially not in my bed, and ESPECIALLY not in Jack's bed. I also understand that I was speaking exclusively Russian for basically my last two hours of consciousness. That's cool - I approve.

Either way, I know a lot of people helped me around, and to all of you I say, I appreciate it, and you won't have to do such things again anytime soon. I like being the guy who helps much more than the drunken asshole being helped. And if anyone wants to fill in the holes for me, I would be much obliged.

Here are some quotes that I feel are germane to the topic of my first evening of "fantabulous drunkitude" (credit to @-ron on that phrase - Ivory Tower 704 for life).

"The best was when we asked you to speak in English and you said "Ok" and then went back to Russian, or Uzbek, who knows." --Jack

"Way to not do anything half ass. I guess if you are gonna go for it, you should go for it. Sweet purple shirt." --Ben Faust (reacting the next day)

"House, sorry about being the asshole who bought you those shots... and made you finish drink 21. My bad." --Bert, to whom I owe a kick in the balls.

"You're a heavy dude." --Jack, on having to move me around

"I'm having too much fun, this sucks..." --Me

"I'm sorry you got sick, but I think it would be a shame if the David Stira that I got to hang out with last night goes away for ever." --Brody

Thanks everyone - I just got back from buying new sheets/a pillow from Target. So if that was your goal, you've succeeded.