Feels like a steaming pile of shit

It has been cold here lately. Not just like man, when's spring coming? It's more like making sure both your nuts are still descended after walking outside for 20 minutes. It's more like taking showers at night so your hair doesn't freeze when you're walking to school at sunrise. I can deal with this, at least I tell myself I can because I'm going to have to when/if I am ever living in Russia. What I can't deal with are these bullshit weather magicians.

Meteorology? Fuck that. There's no more ology to that than there is to astrology or Scientology. Case in point? The FEELS LIKE temperature. By the ghost of Pere Noel, it's not only 14 degrees outside, but it FEELS LIKE 2! Sound the klaxons! Wrap your kids in extra layers of astronaut blanket before you send them out! Start wearing a scarf even though it makes you look like a complete Craftsman. BATTON DOWN THE HATCHES FOLKS IT FEELS LIKE FUCKIN TWO DEGREES!!!

14 degrees but feels like 2? No. Bullshit. Bullshit on that. It feels like 14, except the wind is howling and the sun may or may not have shown itself for two days. Just like any other type of "news" or news-equivalent (more of the latter these days on TV) weather has become completely alarmist. Hooooollly fuckin Moses, it's below freezing but don't be fooled!! It's way more below freezing than you thought it was! Look how cold we are telling you you will feel if you go outside! YOU WILL FEEL LIKE TWO DEGREES!! ONLY TWO!!#!

No dipshits. It's cold. It's windy. If you see the temperature is 14, and that there are 25 mile per hour winds, you know you'd better wear your fuckin Ugg boots and Under Armour bank robbery headgear. Even if they said wind chill I might accept this whole FEELS LIKE ridiculousness. Wind chill at least implies some kind of scientific equation and use of empirical data. But noooooo, it's FEELS LIKE 12. What is this? Numbers and feelings do not mix god damnit! I don't feel 11 sad right now, or 0.5 horny, or 6/7 hungry. My body is a healthy 98.6 degrees, even though it FEELS LIKE 82 because the seal around my window is as porous as John McCain's bones (Vote McCain '08 -- I don't care if he's old). The point is, where do they get any kind of number for FEELS LIKE? Did they get a bunch of test subjects, put them outside in their skivvies during a blizzard, stick a USB cord into their recti and download a big steaming DATA SET??!

People don't say in the summer time that "Sweet baby James, it's 92 degrees out but it feels like only 82 because there's a steady breeze! Enjoy the wind chill! While you're at it, it's raining! So really it only FEELS LIKE 71! So pack your umbrella and maybe even a long sleeve shirt!!" No, even not-so-bullshit wind chill is used for alarmism -- only when it's cold as Hillary outside do people start talking about wind chill. Just like heat index. Fuck heat index. If it were 210 degrees outside but the FEELS LIKE said that it was 213, water wouldn't boil. Water doesn't give a shit.

Weathermen. I am scared of enough things, all right? HILLARY CLINTON IS STILL A SERIOUS CANDIDATE. I do not need to be any more scared than that please. No more bullshit. No more FEELS LIKE. Stick to your cumulonimbi and orographic lift, you scientist halflings.