A word or two on pandas

Everyone loves panda bears. They roll around. They are fluffy. They are endangered. They are "cute." Yeah. Fuck panda bears. They are nature's biggest frauds. This is not just a part of my greater campaign against cuteness, either.


What prompted me to write this was when, as I was leaving D.C., some panda was born somewhere and there was a big media bozo circus as to what it would be named. Fuck that. I'm all for positive, uplifting news, but in the grand scheme of things, Natalie Holloway is more pressing news than this. And you know how I feel about Natalie Holloway. Seriously though, this was on all the major networks. And then they ended up naming it something in Chinese, so what the hell? No one even knows what it means. It could mean "brand new dishwasher with speed dry" in Chinese, but it would make no difference. The media would just say "Oh, that's a pretty name... NOW LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS! Awwww...!"

Not only that, but pandas are fucking stupid. They won't even reproduce. Pandas are notorious for being as chaste as the Shakers, and look how they turned out. If pandas are too dumb to start spitting some "mad panda game" (as Lyle says) and park the beef bus in tuna town, they probably deserve to be extinct. People talk about how we're ruining nature? Well now we're artificially preserving a species that probably should have died out because they refuse to play hide the hot dog. So... what now, you PETA buttclowns? Go save some goats.

Along those same lines, here is exhibit B in why pandas have the intelligence quotient of a paper bag. Everyone thinks it's adorable seeing a panda munching on some bamboo, right? Pandas aren't even biologically suited to bamboo. They're built to be carnivores, so what the hell? According to children's site GLOBIO.org, much of what a panda eats "becomes poop," instead of actually sustaining the fat piece of shit. As a result, pandas have to spend 10-12 hours each day eating, because bamboo lacks the nutrients they need (this according to a University of Michigan site). So... instead of eating normal things that prevent them from dying of malnutrition, they choose to laze around and eat bamboo, of whose nutrients pandas only use 17% (from the same UMich site). And they are still fatasses! So... pandas... first, they won't dance the mattress jig, and second, the furry little dipshits defy their biology and thumb their cute little noses at everything except bamboo, which doesn't even give them the nutrients they need.

So what do pandas contribute to the grand scheme of things? Increased ticket sales at zoos? Cute tumbling? Fatness? Yeah. Nothing. They are frauds. The only reason people pay attention to them is because they are so dumb they've abstinence-d themselves onto the endangered list. BEFORE HUMAN BEINGS, THINGS THAT DIDN'T FUCK DIED OUT. Until we find out that panda piss cures cancer or something, I say we let them take their chances.