It must be all the New Yorkers

Two weeks ago, Connecticut motorists, I was ready to sing your praises. One now-known-to-be-miraculous day in mid-August, I was impressed by small things like an orderly four-way interesection, with nothing but stop signs dictating traffic flow. Oh, how you motorists handled the situation with aplomb. But not until today have I experienced Route 9 South at rush hour.

For those non-Nutmeggers out there (yeah that's right... I'm a Nutmegger, and I don't care if you think it sounds faggy, we can buy and sell your sorry asses) ... anyway, for all of you out there not-from-Connecticut, Route 9 runs from just-about-Hartford to the Shoreline, in Old Saybrook. So basically, it runs from all the big office building-y areas to the quaint suburbs where most of the yuppies dwell. I hate to say it, but even my town is slowly turning from turnip-truck bumkinville to one of the festering hives of southern Connecticut yuppiedom.

That aside, I just wanted to get a frigging printer. To save 20 bucks, I needed to find the nearest Office Depot that had that particular model in stock at the time. Destination: New Britain... home of the Minnesota Twins' Double-A affiliate, and also of the best track in central Connecticut. It occurred to me as I was barelling down Route 9 North that it was currently 4:15. This time of day is no time for any unemployed person to be driving in or around big cities.

On the way home, I thought of a few things that needed to be said... maybe just to Connecticut drivers, maybe to drivers everywhere. But I have no problem criticising others' driving ability. Why? Because I drove over 2500 miles this summer, in 7 different states. That officially makes me a well-traveled driver and nuts to you if you say otherwise. Here are my "recommendations."

1) My blinker means I'm going that way
If I'm in front of you in the right lane, stuck behind a Blumpkinburg garbage truck going 40 on the highway, and signalling left... I'm going left goddammit! DO NOT come up behind me, and sprint your way into the left lane ahead of me while my blinker is signalling left! Just because your slut ass spent the last 20 minutes at work shaking the vending machine trying to get at a tripped-up Twinkie, and now you're 15 minutes late to Curves does not give you license to deliberately disregard my admirable signalling.

2) If I'm stuck behind a slow person, tailgating me will not help
Look, I don't like being stuck behind slow people either, but only for so long can I believe that you're that close because you want to read my humorous bumperstickers. I don't care how much higher off the ground your Jeep Cherokee is. I don't care how loud your $1500 exhaust system bellows. NOTHING I CAN DO CAN MAKE THIS PERSON GO FASTER, OKAY? As soon as they invent go-go Gadget wheels to go up and over slow people, believe me, I will purchase them... regardless of price.

3) The left lane is for passing and avoiding on-ramps
This one is the worst. If you're in the left lane, you better be going more than 10 mph over the speed limit. It's the passing lane, okay? You signal, you move, you go, you switch back. You don't get into the left lane and say, "Hm, it's mighty fine here in the left lane. I think I'll slow down and enjoy this." The left lane is to prevent people like me from having aneurysms stuck behind people like you. If you want to roll along at the speed limit, get in the right lane with the rest of Geriatrica. This is especially true with tractor trailiers. Why the bloody frigging shit would you willingly put yourself between a 20-plus-ton behemoth and a metal guardrail for more than 5 seconds, you fuckwit?!

4) If you're going the speed limit, you're pissing people off
This is not so true on the highway. But on country routes like Routes, 17, 77, 79, 68... ... Okay. If you look in your rearview mirror and think a funeral procession has formed behind your car, pull the fuck over... please? Pretty fucking please with a pile of shit on top? I can't pass you, there are no alternate routes, just cut your losses and let us all go. We have places to be, and some of us don't prefer to spend 45 minutes in a car when we should only have to spend 20 (United Cleaning and Restoration, if your vans ever go 40 on Route 17 again, I swear to your God I'm showing up at your headquarters).

And to the kid at the shopping plaza in North Haven, the Quizno's employee holding an enormous sign out by the interesection in the middle of a 90 degree afternoon? I hope you didn't feel any shame when the white Honda went by, and a loud "oooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOWNED" was to be heard. It just seemed like the right thing to say at the time.