If you're from Massachusetts, and voted for Ted Kennedy, never speak of Repubican elitism again

Ted Kennedy is a drunken, philandering, elitist troll of a man who should be serving time in prison like normal criminals.

Kennedy leaves a party and is traveling over a bridge in his 1967 Oldsmobile. In his passenger seat is Mary Jo Kopechne, a young blond staffer of his. He is, in all likeliness, drunk. He drives off the bridge, into the water, his car sinks, he swims free, Mary Jo dies. This all happens after midnight - the way Kennedy tells it, he leaves the scene of the accident, wanders around for a while in shock, goes back to his hotel room, and calls the police the next morning. So let's assume the incident happens at 1AM and "the next morning" means 8AM. I find it extremely hard to believe that he could wander around in a daze, "in shock," as most accounts put it, and then suddenly realize 7 HOURS LATER that OH SHIT! I might have er-ah, killed that Mary Jo girl. More likely what happened is he talked the whole thing over with his sleazy bretheren and decided on their damage control method. There is actually a lot of dispute about what happened. So I tried to get in touch with Mary Jo Kopechne, but unfortunately, she was unavailable for comment... cause she's dead...

Some people may say that I'm beating a dead horse. "Oh, Dave, everyone knows about the whole Chappaquiddick thing, it's old news. Get over it." If people want so badly to just "get over" things, then why is Sirhan Sirhan still in jail? Oh, he (supposedly) assassinated RFK, but we should get over that whole thing, I mean, jeez, it's old news. We put people away for life without parole. We are not a nation that tends to "get over" things easily. Hell, people in the South still call the Civil War the War of Northern Aggression. The way we prosecute criminals reflects this tendency for us, as a nation, to be loath to just "get over" things. I'm not endorsing our penal system, but that's the way it works. What I'm saying is that Ted Kennedy got off scott-free when anyone else would have gotten charged with manslaughter or worse, and still be in jail making sure they hold onto their soap in the shower.

Ted Kennedy got away with killing Mary Jo Kopechne because he is a man well-connected to political elites, specifically, because he's a Kennedy. He used his status in society to get himself off the hook and to get away with something any normal person would be locked away for. My problem here is that this is exactly what Kennedy and all his New England pie-in-the-sky liberals rip on Dick Cheney for. "Oh, he was a CEO of Halliburton," which automatically makes him a bad person, first of all, "and as CEO he abused his power to get away with screwing people out of money and skimming profits off for himself," or whatnot. As a member of the political elite he abused his power to get away with screwing Mary Jo Kopechne out of her life. I have no love for Cheney or even the Bush administration, but I simply do not understand how these liberals can rally behind Kennedy like he's the friggin' pope of liberalism when the guy is a goddamn case study of one of the reasons why Democrats hate Republicans like Dick Cheney.

Furthermore, you may remember Ted Kennedy trying to make a baseball analogy a few years back. Have you ever heard of Sammy Sooser or Mike McGwire? In 4 years of playing fantasy baseball, I sure haven't. Apparently Ted Kennedy has though. One of two explanations for this. One, he was drunk. Which is not entirely implausible given Senator Kennedy's rumored affinity for liquid courage. Or two, he's so out of touch with reality that he can't even name two of the most prominent baseball players of the past 15 years. Hm, let's try to act like I can connect with the ordinary baseball-watchin', beer-drinkin' average guy. Except he probably has watched as many baseball games as Orrin Hatch has watched episodes of Queer Eye. Based on the Red Sox's recent World Series victory and the way people from Massachusetts acted, I've concluded that everyone in Massachusetts is a baseball fan. Hell, they all act like they know everything there is to know about baseball... and then ask me what the infield fly rule is. But since they all know so much about baseball and since every Masshole on campus was at Kogan Plaza feigning civil disobedience (no one at GW has enough cajones for a real riot anyways, I mean, c'mon, it might scuff their Guccis), I'm going to conclude that everyone from Massachusetts is a huge baseball fan. Which leads me to my next point... why the fuck do you guys keep voting this idiot in, if he doesn't even know the most prominent names in a sport so near and dear to you?! Not to mention the fact that he's a killer.

If you live in Massachusetts, and voted for Kennedy in spite of the aforementioned evidence, please go out and commit a felony. And make sure to leave plenty of evidence so you can be a convicted felon. If you don't understand why I'm asking you to do this, then you really need to go out and commit a felony.