Keeping idiots from running the country

I'm fed up with idiots who don't know their shit trying to debate politics with me. Over this past election season, I came to the conclusion that what this country needs is a political aptitude test. Consider this. Immigrants entering this country are required to take a citizenship test to make sure they know enough about this country to exercise their voting rights. A friend of mine moved to this country from China when he was very young. As a result, he had to pass a citizenship test in order to vote when he was of age. An interesting aside to this, is that he was asked during the test what the U.N. was. Now, my friend is a dyed-in-the-wool conservative who writes for our conservative newspaper here at GW. His answer? "Oh, it's an organization that gives third world despots the power of industrialized nations," and, I'm sure, proceeded to rip the U.N. for a good five minutes before the administrator gave up and checked whatever box he had to on his clipboard.

I submit to you that we should require not just immigrants, but everyone to take a citizenship test (hereafter referred to as a political aptitude test) prior to every presidential election.

Having heard that, if you have even so much as thought that "Whoa, Dave is a (racist/elitist/hateful/evil) person," find a sharp object and poke yourself in the eye with it. Or, better yet, do the country a favor: staple an American flag to your head and move your dumb ass to Pakistan. I hear they make some mean donkey meat over there.

And for every time I hear the world discrimination in reference to what I'm saying, I'm going to find an old refrigerator and release the freon - just to piss off you stupid hippies. Permit me to dissect the main counterargument to my proposed Political Aptitude Tests: "that is so discriminatory." Get off your fucking high horse. I don't care if you consider yourself liberal, conservative, vegetable, whatever� unless you are an anarchist, you espouse some kind of discriminatory policy (and even if you are an anarchist, you're discriminating against fat and slow people because they, inevitably, will be the first to go if there were anarchy).

Liberals? You guys want to raise taxes on the rich, so that we can give poor people who spent all their money on PCP more money to buy PCP with. You're discriminating against rich people because they or someone in their family had the business sense to make some serious dough and you are proposing that the government steal even more of it. Furthermore, many of you hippies espouse the profoundly discriminatory policy of affirmative action. What can be more discriminatory or undemocratic than giving some people an advantage over others because their ancestors came from a different chunk of land? From what I remember of high school history, other than my teacher's unfathomable yet hilarious inability to play nice with technology, we fought a war over this type of inequity. But today, our policies still reinforce it.

Conservatives? Last time I checked, you guys were trying to pass a law that would prevent same-sex couples from receiving the same recognition and benefits as "normal" couples. Look, I don't care what you dumbasses say, people don't choose to be gay - that's just the way they are. By denying them equal protection under the law, you are practicing discrimination. Want more evidence that you practice discrimination? Go walk outside and ask someone who lives in D.C who their Representative in Congress is.

So liberals, conservatives, whatever the hell you are, you all discriminate. So go ahead and call me an elitist, discriminating, apple-pie-hating bastard of a person. Congratulations, so are you. Deal with it.

The test would not be difficult. However, I contend that there are a substantial number of people who were convinced to go out and vote this year without being able to give an answer to these three things:

1) Who are the current president and vice president?
2) Who are at least two people considered "Founding Fathers?"
3) What is the name of any one of the following people: your representative in Congress, your senator, your governor?

And what scares me the most is that my granola-munching, Abercrombie-wearing, hormone-driven, beer-chugging monkey classmates were the ones out there pretending they knew what they were talking about, convincing people to vote - morons getting other morons to vote for their respective moron.

If you don't give a shit enough during the non-election period to at least know what the fuck is going on, you don't deserve the right to mete out your judgment with the same force as everyone else. Here is my solution. If you can answer all three of these black-and-white, right or wrong questions, you get your vote to count three times. If you get one wrong because, for example, you took your daily smoke break during high school history class and don't remember any of the founding fathers (and don't have any dollar bills with you on the day of the test), your vote counts twice. Let's say you're a moron and don't know either of the first two, but you watched the news last night and saw your governor get indicted or something (this won't seem weird if you come from Connecticut) and remember his name. Congratulations, you get your vote to count once. And if you get zero correct, you have earned my eternal disdain and deserve to be sterilized and forcibly confined to a single state with all your fellow monkeys. I suggest New Jersey, because that place sucks anyway, and people who live there would gladly be moved to better states. Then we will be free to populate New Jersey with all the morons so they can't make any of the rest of us stupider. And as either a cruel joke, out of pity, or just to make them feel better about themselves (because we're a compassionate nation), we will give them one electoral vote or free tofu or something (cause nobody likes that shit anyway).

[This needed to go somewhere, so here it is]